Having passed 80 years of age, I have decided to retreat to my own space for a few days and hence moved to my chalet. Although they had long dreamed of having it, it has become too difficult for my children to move to the chalet. I sat in my favorite chair and gazed at the horizon, the blue sea, and the gentle reflections of the setting sun on its surface.
Unconsciously, I began to revisit my memories of being a child, a boy, a teenager, a young man, an employee, and an adult, then reaching middle age and quickly entering old age. I remembered moments of happiness and sadness, laughter and tears, wishes and thoughts, ups and downs, marriage and having children, and the joy of seeing my grandchildren. I recalled many events, including the months of the Iraqi invasion and occupation, my near-emigration to America, my temporary asylum in Britain, and my return to Kuwait after six years of voluntary exile. I returned just days before Iraq invaded Kuwait. I witnessed their chaos, corruption, and destruction, and their relentless pursuit, under orders from above, to ruin Kuwait, a country that Saddam Hussein had failed to transform into one of Iraq’s provinces.
Demolition was far easier than construction. I remembered my family, friends, and loved ones, those who had left us forever and those who had moved on to other places. I looked at my life differently and thought, “Well, I have reached, at best, the last fifth of my life.” Illnesses, aches, and pains have become more frequent, and I have grown less patient. Spare parts for any broken or damaged part have become scarce. Incapacity is inevitable. Stillness and limited activity are undoubtedly on the horizon. But what alleviates my anxiety is the feeling that I have fulfilled my role in life, that I have done my duty towards family, community, relatives, and children.
I must now live for myself in the years, or perhaps months, that remain, with all the harshness that entails. This living, this solitude, is necessary. Infirmity and old age are unforgiving. But why wait for them to strike when we can take action and do what brings us more joy in life? We have compromised too much for everyone, and it is time to compromise with ourselves, to live in harmony with our own desires, even if only for a few years, months, or days. In any case, it will likely be short-lived, and all of this will soon come to an end. The soul’s attachment to what it is accustomed to makes a return to the old routine of life inevitable. I did what I believed was right, both in my dealings with my father and in my dealings with him. Perhaps my children will treat me the same way. If they do not, it is not their fault; it is mine. I can understand that children, too, have their own lives, problems, and families. How can I be closer to them than a spouse or children, when I have become, in my view, a burden? A philosopher-physician once said, “Money is no guarantee against loneliness. And health cannot last forever. But money is more reliable than children, and we should not be upset by that. It is the truth.”
Children are a source of love and joy, but they are not a retirement fund. We must preserve and enjoy our freedom as much as we can. Perhaps I am late to do so . However, it is better late than never. Freedom here is somewhat restricted and limited, but there is still freedom of movement, freedom to travel, freedom to wear what we want, to walk in the rain, to tread on loose snow, to talk to whomever we want, and to continue getting out of bed in the morning whenever we like. Soon, we will not be able to do this, and many other things, with the same ease. Perhaps we will not even be able to prepare a few meals a week for ourselves. Distracting ourselves from the pains of aging is countered by joy, which is the best antidote to the depression that follows sadness. We must forget the past, leave it behind, and not worry about the future. We must cherish the hours and minutes .
Our present life, and our remaining days, are what truly matter, as long as we can. It is possible to live beyond seventy, eighty, and even a hundred. Through simple things, we can make what remains of our lives in this world more beautiful.
By Ahmad alsarraf
email: [email protected]
email: [email protected]
