It’s supposed to be a parody of itself, right? That’s the only way to explain the ridiculously over-the-top, repetitively numbing fifth film in the “Die Hard” franchise, the clunkily titled “A Good Day to Die Hard.”
John McClane used to be a cowboy. Now, he’s a cartoon character — specifically, Wile E. Coyote, given how many times he should be seriously injured and/or killed in this movie. He’s shot at, involved in several serious car accidents, crashes through glass windows and ceilings and plummets through floor after floor of high-rise scaffolding. The most he suffers is a scratch here and there, and then he’s ready to pop back up again with a bemused twinkle in his eye and a wry quip. Part of the charm of this character, which was crucial in defining Bruce Willis’ career, was the regular-guy, Reagan-era resourcefulness he represented; now, he’s weirdly superhuman. But as charismatic as Willis ordinarily is in the role, even he can’t fool us into thinking he’s actually enjoying himself this time. Essentially, this is an opportunity for Willis to show off how great he still looks in a tight T-shirt at age 57; even the obligatory “yippee-ki-yay” line feels phoned in.

Barrage
“A Good Day to Die Hard” is pointless and joyless, a barrage of noise and chaos, an onslaught of destruction without the slightest mention of consequence. Dozens of people should be dead from one lengthy car chase alone; “Die Hard” keeps on driving. Director John Moore (“Behind Enemy Lines.” ‘’Max Payne”) mistakes shaky-cam and dizzying zooms for artistic finesse in his action sequences. This is a film that has not one but two scenes in which helicopters just sit there, hovering in the sky, firing countless high-powered rounds into buildings.
But the most obnoxious element of all in Skip Woods and Jason Keller’s script may be the hastily wedged-in father-son feel-goodery that occurs in the midst of all this madness. You see, Willis’ unstoppable New York cop has traveled to Moscow to track down his bitter, estranged son, Jack (Jai Courtney), whom he believes to be in some sort of criminal trouble. It turns out Jack is actually a spy working undercover to protect a government whistleblower named Komarov (Sebastian Koch), and dad has arrived just in time to ruin his mission.

So now the two McClanes must team up to keep Komarov from being kidnapped by generically menacing Russian bad guys; Komarov’s heavily lipsticked daughter, Irina (Yuliya Snigir), is also involved somehow, with wavering alliances. They all want Komarov to lead them to a hidden file — it sounds so Cold War, it may as well have been microfilm — but of course the file is the MacGuffin. It probably isn’t even really a file.
McClane picks up whatever weapon is nearby and solves every problem that comes their way but he also finds time to nag his son for calling him “John” instead of “dad.” Whether this is intended as comic relief in the heat of the moment or genuine sentiment, it clangs and feels too cute. McClane also repeatedly laments “I’m on vacation!” just as things are about to get hairy. We’d all be better off if Willis took a vacation from this character for good.
“A Good Day to Die Hard,” a 20th Century Fox release, is rated R for violence and language. Running time: 97 minutes. One star out of four.
 

It’s easy to understand why Hollywood loves doing business with author Nicholas Sparks. His books are huge best-sellers, and several of the films adapted from his novels — “Message in a Bottle,” ‘’The Notebook,” and “Dear John” — have achieved impressive box office grosses. The latest Sparks adaptation, “Safe Haven,” will probably continue his winning streak, especially with its Valentine’s Day opening pegged to lure female fans. A thriller element that has not been present in earlier Sparks movies is designed to draw reluctant male viewers to see the picture, but they won’t respond with the same enthusiasm as his core audience of woozy romantics.
The mystery plot recalls a 1991 Julia Roberts movie, Sleeping with the Enemy, in which the heroine fled an abusive husband and tried to re-invent herself in a brand new community. In this case our heroine, Katie (Julianne Hough), runs away from a toxic marriage in Boston, boards a bus, and on a whim gets off in a small seaside community in North Carolina. There she meets a sensitive widower, Alex (Josh Duhamel), raising two young children on his own. Because of their troubled histories, they approach each other warily, but there’s little doubt about where their relationship is headed. Before long, however, a nasty blast from Katie’s past arrives to threaten her newfound bliss.
 

Flat
The first problem with the film is that the burgeoning romance is too flat to generate intense audience empathy. Alex’s daughter, who barely remembers her mother, warms to Katie immediately, but her older brother has a harder time with his father’s new relationship. Still, this complication isn’t especially well developed in the screenplay by Dana Stevens and Gage Lansky. In addition, the two main characters are such paragons that there are no real psychological impediments to their union. To jack up the tension, director Lasse Hallstrom (who also helmed the film “Dear John”) keeps intercutting scenes of a grim, hard-drinking Boston cop (David Lyons) determined to track Katie down. But the gauzy romantic interludes prove to be something of a yawn. When her nemesis finally arrives in North Carolina, the film does develop some effectively suspenseful moments. But the drama is a long time coming.
 

A related problem is the casting. The best Sparks movie, “The Notebook,” had the strongest cast, with talented newcomers Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams balancing seasoned veterans James Garner and Gena Rowlands. To put it as charitably as possible, the actors in “Safe Haven” are not in the same league. Hough, better known as a singer and dancer than a dramatic actress, is likably spunky, but Duhamel fades into the background, and there are no lively supporting players in the ensemble. Perhaps the biggest disappointment is that Hallstrom, who burst into prominence with his fine direction of child actors in the Swedish film “My Life as a Dog,” fails to draw vivid performances from the two actors cast as Alex’s children.
 

Hallstrom’s direction is generally lackluster. The picture is certainly competent, but a dozen other journeyman directors could have executed this piece just as efficiently. It’s hard to see much evidence of the talent that brightened “My Life as a Dog,” “The Cider House Rules,” or even “Chocolat.” The seaside locations are tenderly evoked by cinematographer Terry Stacey and production designer Kara Lindstrom, but the film isn’t visually memorable or dramatically vibrant. It does, however, have one sentimental surprise at the end that testifies to Sparks’ storytelling shrewdness. (AP)

 This last-minute twist is shameless and stupefying, but it demonstrates why Sparks has an army of fervent readers. His fans will no doubt swoon over this tear-jerking finale, even while critics stare at the screen with jaws open in disbelief. “Safe Haven,” a Relativity Media release, is rated PG-13 for thematic material involving threatening behavior, and for violence and sexuality. 115 minutes. (AP)