DR NAIF Mohammed Al-Ajmy is an Assistant Professor of Jurisprudence at the College of Sharia and Islamic Studies in Kuwait University. Talking to the Arab Times, he outlined how marriage is considered in Islam and gave advice on how to maintain a successful one.
According to Dr Al-Ajmy, a Muslim marriage is not a prison sentence but simple, legal agreement in which either partner is free to include conditions and marriage customs which can wary widely from country to country.
He believes one should be aware of the roles of husband and wife in Islam before entering into a marriage contract and that choosing the right partner beforehand without any outside influences is the key to a successful marriage.
“Divorce is not uncommon in Kuwait and it is not forbidden as a last resort in Islam. However, there are solutions that can be considered before a marriage ends that can bring happiness to both husbands and wives,” he said.

Following is the full text of the interview:

Q: Can you give us a brief on the concept of marriage in Islam?
A: Islam looks upon marriage as a sacred contract between two individuals. Marriage is the strongest and the most authentic contract in life and should not be taken lightly. Whoever disobeys its sanctities and the limits that were set by God within the contract is considered unjust.
The laws and conditions of a marriage contract are so great and necessary to uphold because they are based on honor. Islamic Sharia is so clear that it has specified exactly what each partner’s role is in a marriage. No one enters into a contract without understanding their role and the obligations towards their partner.
The wife has a certain role, the husband has a certain role and there are exchangeable roles and obligations that have to be fulfilled by both partners. All this is within the marriage contract and Islam has stressed fulfilling these roles and failing to do so is considered a shortage in religion and injustice to the other partner. Apart from ordering us to fulfill the marriage obligations, God Almighty ordered couples to be kind to one another within marriage and even in cases of divorce.
Islam does not look upon marriage as a prison sentence for men and women, once you enter it you cannot leave. I acknowledge that some individuals abuse their rights, especially men who are the ones who control infallibility (the right of divorce) in their hands. But Sharia is not that way.
The Prophet Mohammed (PBUH), also directed couples to honor, respect and be kind to one another. He said: “No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another.”
This means that there aren’t any perfect human beings and if you keep searching for a ‘perfect’ wife or husband, who has the ‘perfect’ qualities and looks, you are going to be miserable.
The believing man who wants to have a happy life and marriage has to acknowledge the bad and good qualities of his partner and balance them. Yes, there may be qualities he dislikes, however there may be plenty of other qualities he likes. From that, balance occurs. But whoever keeps focusing on the negative qualities, forgetting all the good ones and treating his wife unjustly, then he will only bring about his own misery and won’t be able to fulfill his obligations and gives his wife her rights.

Q: What are the obligations of both wives and husbands in Islam and their rights?
A: Islamic Sharia has written about and studies marriage extensively. In Islam, the wife has certain financial rights, such as dowry and alimony; she has the right of respect and so on.
Just like the husband is obligated to treat his wife with respect and kindness, the wife is obligated to obey her husband. It is an important obligation that was stressed by the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) because it defines the parameters of a marriage. He said: “If a woman prayed her prescribed five daily prayers, fasted her month of Ramadan, maintained her virtue, obeyed her husband, she will enter the heaven of her God.”
This means that being constantly mindful of her husband is a very necessary obligation by a woman but also in return the husband should be mindful of her as well. The husband should also be respectful to the wife and kind, not threatening or abusive.
Many people here have the false belief that it is the wife who strays from her obligations and parameters of a marriage, but there are also plenty of husbands who stray from their wives by treating them badly, abusing them and withholding money.
In that case, the wife has the right to bring him to court before a judge and ask for a divorce. The judge can force the husband to divorce her and if he doesn’t the judge gives her the divorce himself.
Also if the wife strays and there are strong indications that she is disobeying her husband, there are certain steps the husband can take that are prescribed to him by God in the Holy Quran.
God Almighty said: “Men shall take full care of women with the bounties which God has bestowed more abundantly on the former than on the latter, and with what they may spend out of their possessions. And the righteous women are the truly devout ones, who guard the intimacy which God has (ordained to be) guarded. And as for those women whose ill-will you have reason to fear, admonish them (first); then leave them alone in bed; then beat them; and if thereupon they pay you heed, do not seek to harm them. Behold, God is indeed most high, great!”
In the beginning the husband reminds his wife of her obligations and her promises to God to obey and fulfill his rights and so on. He should attempt to renew the spark of faith within her again. If she persists, then he should abandon her in the bedroom. If she still persists then he should ‘beat’ her.
Here, I would like to clarify what beating means. It does not mean violent abuse, cruelty, and inflicting physical pain, which some people may believe. What it actually means is lightly pushing or tapping the woman with something as light as a feather, which is the limit set by God Almighty, to get the point across. That in fact is meant for emotional pain more than physical pain.
If that doesn’t work, then the man has the right to turn to the judiciary way out. Every problem has a solution. The judge intervenes to provide a solution and dissolve the marriage.

Q: How can an Islamic society reconcile between a couple or help in finding a solution to their problems?
A: The Islamic Sharia through the Holy Quran has provided a solution to every problem in a marriage. The most common problems are arguments and bickering over trivial matters. God says in the Holy Quran that if a couple cannot reconcile then a credible and wise mediator from each side of the family can be appointed to help with a solution.
If a solution was found, then all is fine, if not, then they can go their separate ways. Of course the couple has to first want to solve their situation and they have to be willing to make sacrifices to reach a compromise.
Sometimes the mediators can solve a problem temporarily, but then it can manifest itself again in the future. They only postpone what is inevitable.

Q: Can the roles of men and women in an Islamic marriage differ from culture to culture?
A: First of all, I would like to point out something important: Islamic Sharia is valid for all times and all places. There won’t be a period of time where Sharia cannot be applied. That said, there are laws that are changeable with place and time in marriage but the rights of each partners cannot be changed because they are necessary to maintain a healthy marriage.
For example, Islam says monetary allowance is a wife’s right in marriage. But did it set a specific amount of monetary allowance? No. This monetary amount depends on the needs of the individuals, what they can afford and their culture and tradition. So the monetary amount can change with time and place but the actual obligation and right itself does not change. There cannot be a time where people in Islam say that a wife does not have the right of monetary allowance.
Marriage is Islam is a holistic system that is prescribed by God for the wellbeing of husbands and wives. In Islam, the father has the right to be obeyed by his son. Can we come in the future and say: “No, the father does not have the right to be obeyed by his son?” This right is applicable in every time, age and place.

Q: Why do think the rate of divorce is very high in Kuwait and what actions do you think can curb this phenomenon?
A: No doubt that divorce has become a phenomenon in Kuwait. There are many reasons for this but I believe they all fall back to choosing, to the man and woman’s choice in marriage from the start.
Unfortunately, cultures and traditions still control the choices of men looking for wives. So a man takes his cousin or a close relative because that is what is in front of him. Another reason is the inability for men and women, especially from the young generations, to handle marriage responsibilities. Marriage is forced upon men who are not yet able to maintain a family and who don’t understand the responsibilities of marriage or what it means to be divorced.
Financial problems are also an issue and divorce could also be due to interferences by each partners’ family in their marriage. There isn’t a marriage life that is free from problems, but interference by other external members without permission can increase those problems. Subsequently, this usually ends with divorce. The problems could have been solved immediately but only grow bigger because other family members interfered.
All this contributes in creating the high rate of divorce in the society. The problem is worse when divorce occurs in a family with children. The children grow up with either the father or the mother, not with both parents, which will further create problems in their development and future prospects of marriage.

Q: Do you think segregation of men and women in society, schools and universities contribute in marriage failure as men and women may be incapable of dealing with each other?
A: Yes, Islamic Sharia forbids mingling between the sexes, but only in organizations such as universities. It is OK in family situations and in the market place for example.
However, we shouldn’t just say that both genders can only get to know each other by mingling together. It is only a small part. We can get to know each other through our siblings or parents, just to form an idea.
After that, if a man wants to get marriage and has an eye on a certain woman who he believes may be a suitable wife, then Islamic Sharia allows him to sit with her, after announcing his intentions to her parents, talk to her and to look at her before marriage so he can decide. If he believes she is not suitable for him, he has the right to break the engagement. The same goes for women.
Unfortunately, to this date, there are some societies and families who do not allow an engaged couple to look at each other before marriage, even though Islam and the Prophet (PBUH) insist upon it. Even though Islam forbids mingling, it has allowed an engaged couple to sit, talk and look at each other before marriage.

Q: What advice do you give teenage men and women?
A: I advice them to get married as soon as possible if they are capable, but I urge them to make the right choices for themselves. It is the right of a man to marry a woman from a good background with a good family, with good looks; however faith and religion is the most important aspect, which a man must prioritize when he is choosing. The same goes for women.

biography

Dr Naif Mohammed Al-Ajmy
- Assistant Professor, Department of Fiqh and Tradition – Kuwait University (2004-present)
- Masters and PhD in Islamic Studies, Cairo University
- Sharia Consultant for various Islamic banks and finance companies
- Held seminars and lectures in Kuwait and in Europe